Drawing from my experience talking to people who marriage have failed, here are 10 common problems
that destroy marriages.
1.
Poor boundaries. Engaging in intimate conversations with members of the opposite sex leads to emotional experiences that cloud
judgment, trigger fantasy life, and progress toward physical intimacies outside of marriage.
The connection and acceptance found in an illicit relationship
diverts energy away from solving problems with one’s spouse. Confiding about marital problems with a sympathetic listener
provides a contrasting experience to whatever dissatisfactions might be present in the marriage.
2. Selfishness. There needs to be fairness in the distribution
of work and responsibility within the relationship. This willingness to extend oneself also pertains to meeting emotional
needs. Placing one’s desires consistently ahead of a partner’s emotional needs and responding only when it is
a matter of convenience, demand or negotiations leaves a spouse feeling unloved.
If
too many important needs are neglected over time, the unloved spouse feels used or taken advantage of. Consistent lack of
love interferes with a spouse’s willingness to give unselfishly in the relationship. When marriage partners don’t
trust their needs will be met, they tend to meet their own needs first and become hesitant to share freely of themselves.
Selfishness in its most destructive form involves control, manipulation, jealousy, possessiveness,
demands and abuse in order to get one’s way. In milder forms, it is lack of consideration and respect.
3. Disrespectful judgments. Marriage needs
acceptance, admiration, appreciation and emotional safety. Feelings of anger and hurt follow when the process of exploring
differences or contrasting opinions consistently degenerates into criticism, impatience, labeling, contempt, or discrediting
one’s thoughts or feelings.
It is disrespectful to try to change a spouse’s
thinking by lecture, ridicule, threats, brainwashing, or negative aspersions. These perceived attacks on personality, character,
intelligence or values undermine the mutual respect that forms the basis of love. The tendency is to retaliate in kind or
else to withdraw and not share one’s ideas. It becomes hard to love or give of oneself when one feels unfairly judged
or mistreated.
4. Explosive,
angry outbursts or rages. Anger can have a useful purpose if it is listened to and leads to dialogue and constructive problem-solving.
However, anger can either create more anger or withdrawal, both of which interfere with effective communications.
Unbridled and unpredictable tempers interfere with emotional safety and trust when spouses need to
engage each other on emotional issues. The issues behind the anger get lost as the angry response is perceived as unjust,
abusive and unwarranted. It is intimidating and controlling.
5. Lack of emotional intimacy. The lack of sharing one feelings, goals, hurts, struggles, joys and
emotional details of one’s life lead to loneliness and sadness. Feelings of friendship and partnership come from being
connected through interest, deep listening and empathy, mutual support, and sharing perspectives as confidants.
Expectations for marriage include a desire for this soul-satisfying experience of being known, understood,
loved, accepted and valued for who you are and having a place to turn for comfort and support. If this component of marriage
is lacking, marital partners feel cheated of the essence of what they truly expect marriage should provide.
6. Lack of affection and sexual fulfillment.
When needs for sex and affection are not met, problems mushroom. Without affectionate gestures and words, love seems hollow
and not as believable. People don’t marry to get a roommate. They expect to have an active and fulfilling sexual life.
Chronic anger and conflict dampen a couple’s willingness to be affectionate with each other.
7. Leading separate lives. Relationships also
suffer when couples don’t mesh their lives through shared activities, recreational companionship or spending enough
time together.
Living too independently from each other takes away connection
and joy from the relationship. Couples need to function as a team when it comes to parenting, managing a household, sharing
finances, and relating to relatives. They need to consult with each other about important decisions and coordinate their schedules.
Time needs to be set aside to enjoy conversation, adventures, common interests, vacations and fun.
Time spent together should be anticipated with pleasure. Without this component, couples drift apart and have little in common.
8. Communication is a painful process. A marriage
with too much conflict, hostility, blame, criticism, defensiveness, and belligerent verbal attacks seems like life with an
enemy instead of a friend. Marriage needs to be a place of safety, a haven, a place of love and refuge, not a war zone.
Always being “right,” being rigid, judgmental, or easily angered or flooded with emotion
disrupt communication before problems can be solved. Avoidance of conflict is even a bigger problem as the emotional connection
is lost when couples don’t share opinions and attempt to resolve conflict. When repeated attempts to solve problems
fail, one partner gives up and starts to withdraw emotionally.
9. Destructive habits and addictions. Addictions have great power to be placed in front of the needs
and happiness of a partner. Betrayal, hurt, anger and pain follow the wake of addictive behavior. Addictions need to be treated
to protect the integrity of the marriage
10. Dishonesty, laziness and other character defects. Basic trust and respect underlie love and form the basis
of relationships. Lies, deceit, disloyalty, secret habits, or emotional dishonesty about thoughts or feelings destroy trust
and respect. Spouses who willingly don’t take or follow through with their personal responsibilities unfairly shift
those burdens to their partner. Marriage is a partnership between equals, not a parent/child relationship
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RELATIONSHIPS
Dating 101: Will He Ever Marry You?
BE THERE Magazine reveals five
commitment factors.
Every
woman knows how hard it is when she puts in serious time with a guy who refuses to commit... until he moves on to his
next girlfriend, and then suddenly, he's springing for a rock. Single women assume that a guy will pop the question once he finds someone he's compatible with, i.e., The One. But that's not enough
to push him over the edge, according to clinical psychologist Alon Gratch, PhD, author of "If Men Could Talk." What, then, does it take?
"Being ready," says Gratch.
"In my 25 years of experience working with men as a relationship therapist, it's 49 percent the right woman, 51 percent
his readiness to commit." That means that compatibility is hugely important. But if he's not in a marriage mind-set yet,
he's not going to commit to anyone... not even Gisele.
In fact, 81 percent of the married
men surveyed by the National Marriage Project said one reason they decided to wed was because it was the right time to settle
down.
"Of course, even if a guy is ready to walk down the aisle,
he still needs to find the right person," says Gratch. "But he is more likely to meet her once he's in that marrying
state of mind." To help us figure it all out, we asked Gratch to explain. Here, he divulges the five factors that make
a man want to take the plunge.
Commitment Factor #1
The Capacity to Love. No matter how head-over-heels your guy is during the initial honeymoon period
of the relationship, it doesn't mean he is ready to commit. A man might fall in love, which requires the capacity to idealize.
That means thinking and feeling like his partner and the relationship are uniquely special, enabling him to ignore imperfections,
which, in turn, makes him feel valued and special.
Loving, on the
other hand, involves connecting with her and wanting to be with her for who she is, not who he'd like her to be.
While it might be difficult to decipher the difference between the two, one
clue is the test of time. Falling in love happens early on in a relationship, when a couple barely knows each other. Once
they become more intimate and learn more about each other's positive and negative traits and the initial love buzz is gone,
a man who is only in love will lose interest. If he truly loves, he'll stay.
Another major telltale sign of real love is selflessness and the ability to care. Does your man make sacrifices for
you? Is he able to put your wants and needs before his? Relationships are all about give and take, but love is more about
giving.
Commitment
Factor #2
Being Able
to Accept Imperfection.Intellectually, we all know that there are no perfect
people and, therefore, no perfect relationships. But it often takes maturity and dating experience to actually believe it.
Take a client of mine, who broke up with
a wonderful woman simply because he thought he could do better. A year later, he met someone else, who was also great but
far from perfect. After two years of dating, he decided to propose. If he had met her a few years earlier, he would have broken
up with her too. But now, he realizes that this is as good as it gets, though it took him several relationships to finally
understand that.
Having unrealistic expectations makes it impossible
for a man to develop a close bond. If a guy who isn't ready starts getting too close to a woman, he'll look for imperfections,
either consciously or subconsciously, to create distance between them and, ultimately, to give him a reason to break up with
her.
Commitment
Factor #3
He Truly Believes
in Commitment. Even if a man tells you that he's in it for the long term, you won't really know the level of his
staying power until you hit some rough patches. If he's not ready, he won't be able to handle the negative aspects of a relationship,
and he'll either shut down -- and shut you out -- or bail. A man who is truly ready to bond will be willing to work with you
to try to resolve whatever problems the two of you are having.
Commitment Factor #4
He's Sure He Can Be the Man. Even though stereotypical gender
roles have loosened up and many men are no longer required to be the breadwinners, a lot of guys still worry, deep down, that
they should be... and a lot of women still expect it. So if a guy feels that he can't live up to his -- or his partner's --
expectations, he might put off getting seriously involved to avoid feeling like he's not capable. It's a way for him to protect
his ego.
According to the National Marriage Project, 47 percent of
men agree that they wouldn't want to get married until they could afford to own a home, and 40 percent would want to be able
to afford a nice wedding.
Commitment Factor #5
He's Tired of Playing Around. While there's no specific age at which single men are ready to marry (nor do they all mature at the same rate), after a while, going from one superficial relationship to another
begins to lose its allure, and they crave a deeper kind of bond with someone.
The Art of the Ultimatum: Three times when it might pay to nudge him a bit
1. He Has a Legit Excuse. If you really think the two
of you click but he's stalling because he's temporarily focused on something else, like finishing grad school, give him a
firm deadline (e.g., till he reaches his goal).
2. He Needs to Rethink His Priorities. Say he's a jock and you hate sports, but he wishes you had that in common.
Is it so important to him that he's willing to risk losing you? (Note: If the answer is yes, you don't want him anyway.)
3. He's Chronically Indecisive.
Some guys are reluctant because they can't make a decision. He's not afraid of committing to you; he's just afraid of committing.
If that sounds like your man, he might need prodding to get off the proverbial fence. Just tell him that you want him to be
in your life, but if he can't make a decision in the next couple of months, you'll have to move on. Warning: If you issue
an ultimatum, you better be prepared to stick to it.
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Is he your man or is your head in the sand?
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Russell Price Jr. Relationship Expert
Russell is traveling worldwide and releasing emotional, physical and financial
blocks.
For the last decade, Russell Price Jr. has reached millions of people through his: 5 books, past radio
show, speaking engagements, workshops, articles, and Russell is a guest host on (Larry Young Morning Show) that has over 1.1
million listeners and 6 million monthly visitors. Presently, Russellis on tour to empower women and men!
Russell
is known for his small intensive classes that CHANGE YOUR MIND! and Russell Straight talk no chaser teaches wealth,
love and freedom while doing what you love! He also empowers women and men globally.
Russell Price, Jr. is a speaker, author, consultant and relationship expert, specializing red flags to show women he may be
stringing you along. For the past 10 years he has been providing information on male-female relationships to the community.
His seminar topics are: 'You Might Not Have A Woman If' (A blue print to relationships), 'The Five Levels of Relationships',
'Are You In Relationship Jail?', 'When Your Wife Is Not Your Woman'. -- His new book is titled: "Is He
Your Man or is Your Head In The Sand?"
Why are opinions like a-holes? Because everybody has
one.
Also, both can be found in large quantities on the Interweb.
New website SideTaker.com
allows you to harness the power therein to settle your next lovers’ spat. Just submit your account of a recent argument
and let your better half add his or her side of the story. Then solicit the judgment of total strangers with nothing better
to do.
Whether it’s a dustup over his wandering eye or a meltdown over politics, you’ll be amazed
at just how many people will not only weigh in on your woes but do so with a passion that is clearly misdirected. Just don’t
complain if, in their vehemence, they call you names like whore, moron, and, yes, a-hole.
In the beginning of a relationship the world is great. You
truly think that the sun IS shining brighter than before. You notice for the first time ever how absolutely beautiful that
old oak tree on Main Drive is. You wake up in the morning with the sweetest feelings of warmth. There is a sparkle in your
eyes and a new spring in your walk! You are Falling in Love!
We fall in love with somebody not because of who they
are but because of how they make us feel about ourselves. They are attracted to us so therefore we suddenly feel very attractive
and grow in our self-esteem. The more they are attracted to us the better we feel, and the better we feel the more we are
attracted back to them for making us feel THIS GOOD. In turn, they feel the same feelings and emotions as us because we are
making them feel good about themselves, too! What a great cycle of love; we actually fall in love with each other for making
us feel so great about ourselves. They show admiration and appreciation for our accomplishments, goals, lifestyles-- therefore
we gain a renewed self-confidence and pride, we must be great! They are patient and accepting of our shortcomings, faults,
and flaws (they even think our shortcomings are cute!) and therefore we must have over exaggerated our faults and we now find
a perfect contentment and acceptance of ourselves. We suddenly feel we truly are lovable, attractive, cute, smart, needed,
wanted, special, talented, and just totally awesome! Wouldn't it be wonderful if we could always feel this in love with
OURSELVES!!!!????
Stage Two:
Being in Love
Giving to each other, makes each happy. They have
made us feel so happy and we want to make them happy in return. We want to assure their happiness to guarantee them in our
lives and hearts forever. We delight in showing our love, our acceptance and our appreciation with the other. Their happiness
is of the utmost importance to us. We demonstrate appreciation of their impact in our lives by giving them little gifts. We
relish in making them as happy as they have made us feel by doing little things for them and caring about them. We meet each
other's basic emotional needs. It is in this stage that we start to notice those little things about our mates that make
them so adorable! Their crooked smile, the way they walk, the feel of their lovemaking, the smell of their skin, the touch
of their hand. "Being in Love" is different from "Falling in Love". We now feel love toward our mates
because we appreciate them more for who they are as opposed to how they made us feel about ourselves. We actually become addicted,
in a sense, to the routine of them and the familiarity of a certain lifestyle that we share as a couple. We are hooked. We
have become a whole.
Stage Three:
Expecting Love
We have reached the stage where we are in
loving relationship. We feel safe, protected, secure, content. Our vulnerabilities we wear on our sleeves with no fear of
them being taken advantage of. Our emotions are free-flowing, open, and trusting. Yet, sometimes when we open ourselves up
to trusting emotions we can get confused in our beliefs that this trust is somehow being violated by our significant other...especially
if we somehow feel our emotional needs are not being met or our loving ways are not being appreciated. We subconsciously seek
and expect certain proofs, respects, and validations of our feelings. For instance, he wants to go bowling with his buddies
tonight and she is nervously fretting over an important job interview tomorrow. He leaves and she mistakingly resents him.
"If he loved me he would have known how much I needed him to be with me tonight!" Because she loved the other she
had openly gave to him, willing and freely, but now she feels hurt and anger that her needs weren't respected, acknowledged,
or important. She has come to expect certain actions from him that reaffirmed his love and made her feel validated, and he
didn't do that by electing to not stay with her. She starts to question his love for her...
Stage Four:
Questioning the Others Love Intent
It is at this stage when we are more likely to feel anger, hurt, and
betrayal if we feel our needs are not being fulfilled. Hurt emotions overwhelm logic and judgment. We get defensive and egotistical.
We are selfish. We start to put ourselves #1 and often feel indignant "If he loved me he would do this, or not have done
that, etc." We start to withdraw from doing those little things for our significant other, after all if our needs aren't
met then why should we meet theirs (This will show him/her how much he/she hurt me!). Even though we may have withdrawn 'giving'
we start to expect even more in return. We demand certain signs from them as a show of their love and how much they are SORRY
that they have unintentionally hurt us. Our mates, in turn, realize that we have withdrawn our love and proceeds to protect
themselves too by doing just the opposite of what we want from them. They withdraw their loving ways, too. Now, neither of
us are getting our emotional needs met. The relationship has now become a showdown between two selfish people who's only
attempt is to protect their own selves at all costs!
Stage Five:
Hiding From Love
We withdraw
from one another, forming an impenetrable wall of protection from the pain. The pain and hurt we feel is from the feeling
that we gave of our love so freely, and did not have it neither validated, nor appreciated. In this stage, in order to protect
ourselves from hurt and pain, we become very good at convincing ourselves that we don't need, want, love, or even LIKE
the other person. We separate from them, if not in our physical environment, in our mental and emotional environment. We dwell
on all the bad things about the other. We may even invent flaws in our mates just to convince ourselves that we don't
hurt. If this stage is left untreated we eventually fall prey to the final stage...
Stage Six:
Falling
Out of Love
Our hearts are heavy and empty. We feel betrayed, hurt, resentful. How could they allow such ruin?
We do not feel good about ourselves. The sun has stopped shining, the old oak tree is wicked looking, with gnarled twisted
branches, your eyes have dark circles under them and there is a dragging shuffle in your walk. You have fallen out of love
Russell
Price Jr. Relationship Expert Relationships Today
Phone : 202-726=1541
Order your copy today....
Click on the Buy Now button
Is he your man or is your head in the sand?
$11.99 S/H $2.00
Russell Price Jr. Relationship Expert
Russell is traveling worldwide and releasing emotional, physical and financial
blocks.
For the last decade, Russell Price Jr. has reached millions of people through his: 5 books, past radio
show, speaking engagements, workshops, articles, and Russell is a guest host on (Larry Young Morning Show) that has over 1.1
million listeners and 6 million monthly visitors. Presently, Russellis on tour to empower women and men!
Russell
is known for his small intensive classes that CHANGE YOUR MIND! and Russell Straight talk no chaser teaches wealth,
love and freedom while doing what you love! He also empowers women and men globally.
When a relationship is
on its last leg and a break up is inevitable, who ends it? Recognizing that her habits have become annoying instead of cute
is just the start. Her rude cell phone calls mid-meal, the way she thinks she's always right, and her complete lack of
respect for your opinion should all be sending you a clear message.
Relationships often go bad -- and stay that
way. Even when both people know that they would be happier with someone else, it's human nature to procrastinate about
difficult decisions. So rather than riding inertia's wave, use these seven helpful tips to break up and move on.
1- Make her the first to know
Out
of respect for her, never tell your friends you're going to break up before telling her it's over. It's a simple
thing women consider sacred. The all too connected grapevine is not the place she should or deserves to be told that you're
no longer interested. You could discuss some relationship problems you're having with your buddies, but your final decision
to break up with her should remain private.
Use your judgment to decide which day would be best to break the news
to her. If she's very emotional and you think that you'll break her heart, try to do it on a Friday. This will give
her the weekend to recover and spend time with friends. But if she's the type to plow through full steam ahead, then perhaps
Monday would be best. This will ensure that her busy workweek will keep her mind off the break up and you.
Remember
that there will be no "perfect time" to end the relationship. The best thing to do is set a random Monday or Friday
to break up -- and stick to it.
2- Find a neutral zone
It's not fair to end the relationship at your place, nor should you be forced to see a
picture of you and her hugging on her fridge. Try to find a neutral space where both of you would be comfortable to express
your feelings, like a park. At least there you can walk and talk, or maybe even find a more secluded spot.
A restaurant,
on the other hand, is a bad choice. If she makes a scene, there's no respectful recovery and no quick way out. But fear
of embarrassment is never a reason to leave her in the middle of nowhere. No matter how emotional and heated the conversation
gets, there's no excuse for risking her safety or yours.
3-
End it in person
If you've lost that loving feeling, be courteous and
tell her face-to-face. Phone calls and e-mail are fine for small talk, but this is a big issue. It's natural to want as
much distance as possible between you and her when you break the bad news, but in this case, fight your instincts and have
the decency to say it to her face.
4- Keep it simple
There's no need to put her through the history of your decision to break up. She does deserve an explanation, but save her (and yourself) the long-winded reasons of exactly why and how things went
sour. Be clear about the fact that you feel the relationship is at an end, but balance that crystal clear reality with a significant
dose of regret.
It's important to let her know that the decision to split up is difficult for you too. By
letting this be known, you make a soon to be ex-girlfriend a friend in mutual sorrow. A few words to the wise: don't say
you're going to call if you're not going to. Part of keeping it simple also includes ending it smoothly -- be fair
to both you and her.
If you're unclear about how you're ending it with her, it could result in a dragged
out breakup. Don't break up in stages -- if you want to sever the ties, there's no time like the present.
5- Get her to see your point of view
Who can argue with logic? You're
probably not the only one that's been feeling the relationship going downhill. A dose of reality might be just what the
doctor ordered to get her to accept what it is you need to say -- and do -- about it. A good way to get her to understand
why you and she aren't best suited for one another is through a simple example. But make sure you get her to start the
ball rolling.
Ask her if she's been feeling the lag in your relationship. She'll probably have quite a
few examples about why things haven't been working out. Letting her talk it through will help her see why you brought
the topic up in the first place.
6- Don't change your mind
There's a big reason why you made the decision to confront her with the end of your relationship.
She may argue, cry or even "not understand why you're doing this," but be sure and stick to your guns. There's
nothing worse than a flip-flop relationship -- you're either in or out. So make sure you have rebuttals for all her potential
comebacks.
7- Be ready for tears Whether she's
glad you said something or not, chances are tears will be shed. Ending a relationship can bring intense emotion and she's not about to save you from seeing it all pour out at once. When she does start to
cry, be sympathetic but don't be drawn in by an overflow of powerful emotion. Be an emotional rock.
Make sure
to have plans set with friends later that day. This will ensure that the breakup process isn't dragged on longer than
necessary and that you're not alone if you feel bad about what just happened.
know when to fold 'em
Ending a relationship is never easy. But
having the courage to follow through with your decision will make both you and her happier when the relationship has already
passed its "best before" date. Be true to your emotions and do what's best for you, and her.
“Please allow me to slip into something a little more comfortable. Something like,
your mind thought processes excite me I’m stimulated by your kind Deep and Wet with the waters of critical thinking
flowing like the rivers of time. Can I gently caress your intellect with concepts that I have created with mine. As I undress
your thoughts with my eyes I know what you want because imagination never lies. The truth is all in your head I know, because
so am I. It’s better that way, wetter that way because creative juices never stop flowing. Also knowing, what I wanted,
you gave me a piece of your information. You seem nervous, must be your first time, sharing your mind. Don’t worry,
it won’t hurt but you might get addicted. Because once you get the feeling it’s hard to stop no longer being restricted
by physical limitations. Having inclinations to, do it every time I see you. Not in public though, someone might see but they
still wouldn’t know. How I softly licked your gray matter as we rolled around your brain’s master bedroom trying
not to knock anything over I know it has never felt like this nobody’s ever been this deep. You feel exhausted and we
didn’t even kiss feeling as though you were asleep. But it wasn’t a dream as I slowly thrust my swollen creativity,
deep inside your imagination rhythmically, until our thoughts exploded simultaneously and we had engaged in mental intercourse…”
LET THE
TRUTH BE TOLD
Hosted By
Russell Price Jr. Author, Former Police Officer
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